Hello gentle readers!Welcome. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. Many thanks to you & let me know if you need anything.
Moving on….there isn’t much for me to do at work at the moment. I am down to a 1-2 day work week. Which is really ideal- nothing beats having a case of the Mondays and celebrating T.G.I.F. in the same day. Which allows me to enjoy the simple joys in life, like not getting out of my pajamas until I damn well feel like it or going to the wonderful Logan theater. Located in the heart of Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood, the Logan is a great $3 second run movie theater. I would say I have seen more movies here than any other theater in Chicago. The first movie I saw there, back in 1997 when it was a $2 theater, was the classic comedy Good Burger. The theaters smell a bit like pee, there are ancient Goobers stuck to the screen and the older gentlemen who work there make you check your bag (unless you’re a lady) but I just love it. So, to quote Chris Tucker from the motion picture Friday (1995)- "’cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job... and you ain’t got shit to do." I was off to the movies. What was playing that I haven’t already seen? The Spiderwick Chronicles! I had seen the ads, it looked interesting enough, and for $3- I couldn’t afford not to go. We are heading towards an economic recession, people. You got to spend money to make money, right? So I am watching this kid’s movie. And it starts to remind me of another movie I saw. Where a guy finds a strange book and ends up summoning an incredible evil. Jeepers Crackers! It’s a kid version of the Evil Dead! But without the chain sawed limbs and tree rape. And Ash is now twin boys, both played by Freddie Highmore. And it was co-written by the great John Sayles. And Nick Nolte played an ogre or something. Shot by Caleb Deschanel. It got me to thinking about the fucked up kids movies I have enjoyed through the years. The ones that were made for kids but are usually best enjoyed by mentally unbalanced or pharmaceutically enhanced adults. I give you, in no particular order, my favorite fucked up kids movies:
1) The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953) Probably the Godfather of crazy kid’s movies. This is a live action movie based on a screenplay by Dr. Seuss. It’s about a young boy who is kidnapped by his piano teacher Dr. Terwilliker and forced to join 499 other kids (do the math & figure out the title) at a huge Seussian piano in a non-stop piano lesson. I’m sure there is a Pink Floyd album that syncs up perfectly with this.
2) Babe: Pig in the City (1998) This sequel to the also excellent, but not nearly as dark and depressing movie Babe follows Babe the pig in to the big city with Esme Hoggett by his side. They end up at a hotel full of animals, they get separated, Babe befriends some chimps in clothes and a dog in a wheelchair named Flealick. Directed by George Miller, the genius who made the Mad Max movies. A kid’s movie that may make you want to bury a bullet in your brain, it’s truly a sad lovely masterpiece.
3) The Witch Mountain series (the 70’s) It has been a long time since I’ve seen these. They were about two kids with special powers who were on the run in a RV with Green Acre’s Eddie Albert. Hot in pursuit is Donald Pleasence. The sequel had Christopher Lee and Bette Davis. One of the kids, Kim Richards is Paris Hilton’s aunt. She was in a ton of things back in the day. Like Tuff Turf. She was in Black Snake Moan most recently. It severely fucked my shit up when I first watched John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 and the young girl who had escaped Witch Mountain ends up getting shot in the chest trying to buy an ice cream cone. There is a remake that is being made now starring the Rock that will surely be a big steaming pile of awesomeness.
4) Return to Oz (1985) The Wizard of Oz is an odd movie. Return to Oz is a weird ass movie. Featuring all that you loved from the original plus electro-shock therapy, insomnia and a mental hospital. Starring as Dorothy Gale is Fairuza Balk, who would go on to do the voices of the slugs killed by the Downs syndromed cast of Crispin Glover’s What is It?
5) The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964) Don Knotts plays the titular character, a sad man who loves his pet fish more than his nagging wife. He wishes he could be a fish and magically turns into a cartoon version of one. He then helps fight the Nazis. Based on a true story.
Ok, there is a ton of really weird stuff for kids out there I didn’t touch on. Veggie Tales, Joe Dante’s Small Soldiers, that Spongepanted fellow, Watcher in the Woods, heck anything that’s animated and from Japan. I think kids are new to most everything here on planet earth, they don’t even know how weird some things are. I re-watched the Dark Crystal recently and was fairly surprised at how creepy it was at times. The Skekses (which are basically rotting birds who talk) were pretty freaky to me in my 30’s- eight year old Damon didn’t bat an eyelash. I figure soon I’ll start writing to the FCC every time I hear a fart joke or see some side-boob on T.V.. That’s what old age does to you.
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