Oh, New England

This year, for the first time in well over ten years, I have had a New England Halloween. My sis and her boyfriend came up from D.C. and together with the Mrs. we headed out to Spooky Town, U.S.A. It is also often referred to as Salem, Massachusetts. We did a bit of Leafing on our way there. What colors! Soon after arriving we stopped and watched as Christians protested everyone's heathen ways. A person wearing an old lady fat suit posed for pictures. She carried a picture of her poor lost dog, a cute little puppy that was wedged between her large butt cheeks. All this was scored by the incongruous Peruvian band playing a few feet away. Goth teenagers shouted at the Christians, and I chatted with a large man dressed as a caveman as I waited to get into the Occult bookstore. Here are some of the pictures I took. They really don't do the place justice.

Feelin’ Alabama

I haven't really had much of a summer. Things have been real hectic for the last five months or so. I went straight from putting together the 2008 International Pancake Film Festival Texas Edition (go Spurs!), to the insanity of the Jeff Koons show at work. Then there was a little wedding I helped plan. Then packing up all my precious belongings and moving half way across country. It didn't help that our landlords decided to tear down our porch in Chicago right as the weather was getting nice and then hire the slowest moving deck builders available.

It's only now that the dust has finally started to settle in my life. I read an entire book (Child 44, highly recommended) went to an antique show (seeing as how I own about 4,000 pounds of crap I only bought a few view master reels.) Oh, I went swimming a few times this season. Barbequed a little. It still feels like summer skipped over me this year. More time was spent indoors packing, later unpacking, than outdoors skipping stones and flying kites and whatnot. One of the nice things about our new place, in addition to all the legal spray paint money can buy (in your face, Mayor Daley!) is the free cable that we have now. I have watched a Shirley Temple marathon, some Adult Swim. There is some fascinating public access shows available (provided by Somerville Community Access Television or SCAT for short, teehee.) I decided I want a Sweet 16 party for my birthday this year after watching a very insightful documentary on the subject on MTV. It was yesterday though that summer finally entered my life. I was flipping through the channels when I came across a Kid Rock video on VH1. I am fairly ill-informed on Mr. Rock's career. I know he's from Michigan, performed with a small man named Joe C. who later died, and married Pam Anderson. That's a bout it. I don't know if it was the fact that I hadn't seen a music video in a coon's age or if this was actually good, but I fell head over heels for this video for his white hot song All Summer Long. Allow me to set the scene for you- the music starts, it's a mash up of Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London mixed with Sweet Home Alabama. Kid Rock narrates this tale of lost summer love while tooling around a lake in his boat "Cowboy." His full band later joins him on a huge elevated stage with flashing lights. He tells a tale set back in Northern Michigan during the summer of1989, of his days spent getting high and drunk on whiskey and fornicating to "Sweet Home Alabama." Meanwhile girls in bikinis dance around and an actor playing a young Kid Rock fraternizes with a young Pam Anderson look-alike. I have no idea why a lady in a confederate flag bikini is so intriguing to me, but it is. I asked the Mrs. if she'd wear a Confederate Flag bikini the next time we hit the beach and she flat out refused. I then asked if she'd wear a Budweiser bikini. Again- no. I guess the bikini is a much more palatable format to me. Racism and Bud are two things I don't tolerate in real life, but in bikini form….that's a whole other story. So I played the video for the Mrs., hoping she'd see how cool Confederate Flag bikinis are. I couldn't make the sell. She was also not fond of the fact that the song rhymes "things' with "things." They do rhyme though, you got to admit that. Admittedly it's not my favorite part of the song-that comes toward the end. Let me quote it in its entirety:

'Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I'll hear that song and I'll start to sing along
And think man I'd love to see that girl again'

I would put that up against any prose you'd take from Ray Bradbury's love letter to summer, Dandelion Wine. And it's nice to know that I have an official summer jam for the 3 remaining weeks of summer. I am also fully aware that if through some miracle Kid Rock and I were to meet on a Michigan beach back in the summer of '89, he would have made fun of me and or beaten the crap out of me. But that's not the point; it's the music, man. The music. And to a lesser extent the Confederate Flag bikinis.

Oh boy! An awards show! Hosted by me!!!

It's now 100% summer time. That means one thing and one thing only. Summer movies!!! That also means the arduous task of figuring out our choice for The Hambone Industries Summer Movie of the Summer Award. To refresh your memory, the award goes to the most anticipated movie to be released this summer. Sequels, spin-offs, adaptations, these are all usually ignored. We do not recognize Summer movies released in March. It is the out of left field type of picture we celebrate here. And it's by looking through the lists of all the quality films being released unto our theaters this season that we have chosen one film. One shining example on to which we pin all our hopes and dreams, all of our expectations of excellence in a summer movie. There were a number that looked promising. The new Batman picture looks real good. Hell Ride sounds interesting. Transsiberian. Wall•E. Hellboy 2. I'll be going to see all of them, don't you worry. But it is the comedies that are looking the most promising. Tropic Thunder, Hamlet 2, Step Brothers. I have laughed out loud every time I've seen the Step Brothers trailer. I am a bit on the fence about Will Ferrell, but John C. Reilly is one of the funniest mother scratchers around. Bunk beds? Ha! Night vision goggles? Ha, ha! Tuxes at a job interview? Hahahaha. Anyways, it is with this in mind that I cast my ballot for The Summer Movie of the Summer Award. Ladies and germs, the award goes to….let me just open this darn envelope, ….Pineapple Express! Man does this one look good. In one corner you have art house darling David Gordon Green, director of such decidedly non-big budget stoner comedies as George Washington, All the Real Girls and Snow Angels. In the other corner are Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen, makers of such lowbrow stoner comedies as Knocked Up and Superbad. They have teamed up to tell the tale of two marijuana aficionados who are on the run from some gangsters. It looks pretty sweet, so that's it, that's my pick. In this election year of 2008, I am voting with my funny bone. Go eat farts if you don't like it.

Like the Evil Dead, but without all that nasty Tree Rape!

Hello gentle readers!
Welcome. I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. Many thanks to you & let me know if you need anything.

Moving on….there isn’t much for me to do at work at the moment. I am down to a 1-2 day work week. Which is really ideal- nothing beats having a case of the Mondays and celebrating T.G.I.F. in the same day. Which allows me to enjoy the simple joys in life, like not getting out of my pajamas until I damn well feel like it or going to the wonderful Logan theater. Located in the heart of Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood, the Logan is a great $3 second run movie theater. I would say I have seen more movies here than any other theater in Chicago. The first movie I saw there, back in 1997 when it was a $2 theater, was the classic comedy Good Burger. The theaters smell a bit like pee, there are ancient Goobers stuck to the screen and the older gentlemen who work there make you check your bag (unless you’re a lady) but I just love it. So, to quote Chris Tucker from the motion picture Friday (1995)- "’cause it’s Friday; you ain’t got no job... and you ain’t got shit to do." I was off to the movies. What was playing that I haven’t already seen? The Spiderwick Chronicles! I had seen the ads, it looked interesting enough, and for $3- I couldn’t afford not to go. We are heading towards an economic recession, people. You got to spend money to make money, right? So I am watching this kid’s movie. And it starts to remind me of another movie I saw. Where a guy finds a strange book and ends up summoning an incredible evil. Jeepers Crackers! It’s a kid version of the Evil Dead! But without the chain sawed limbs and tree rape. And Ash is now twin boys, both played by Freddie Highmore. And it was co-written by the great John Sayles. And Nick Nolte played an ogre or something. Shot by Caleb Deschanel. It got me to thinking about the fucked up kids movies I have enjoyed through the years. The ones that were made for kids but are usually best enjoyed by mentally unbalanced or pharmaceutically enhanced adults. I give you, in no particular order, my favorite fucked up kids movies:

1) The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T (1953) Probably the Godfather of crazy kid’s movies. This is a live action movie based on a screenplay by Dr. Seuss. It’s about a young boy who is kidnapped by his piano teacher Dr. Terwilliker and forced to join 499 other kids (do the math & figure out the title) at a huge Seussian piano in a non-stop piano lesson. I’m sure there is a Pink Floyd album that syncs up perfectly with this.
2) Babe: Pig in the City (1998) This sequel to the also excellent, but not nearly as dark and depressing movie Babe follows Babe the pig in to the big city with Esme Hoggett by his side. They end up at a hotel full of animals, they get separated, Babe befriends some chimps in clothes and a dog in a wheelchair named Flealick. Directed by George Miller, the genius who made the Mad Max movies. A kid’s movie that may make you want to bury a bullet in your brain, it’s truly a sad lovely masterpiece.
3) The Witch Mountain series (the 70’s) It has been a long time since I’ve seen these. They were about two kids with special powers who were on the run in a RV with Green Acre’s Eddie Albert. Hot in pursuit is Donald Pleasence. The sequel had Christopher Lee and Bette Davis. One of the kids, Kim Richards is Paris Hilton’s aunt. She was in a ton of things back in the day. Like Tuff Turf. She was in Black Snake Moan most recently. It severely fucked my shit up when I first watched John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 and the young girl who had escaped Witch Mountain ends up getting shot in the chest trying to buy an ice cream cone. There is a remake that is being made now starring the Rock that will surely be a big steaming pile of awesomeness.
4) Return to Oz (1985) The Wizard of Oz is an odd movie. Return to Oz is a weird ass movie. Featuring all that you loved from the original plus electro-shock therapy, insomnia and a mental hospital. Starring as Dorothy Gale is Fairuza Balk, who would go on to do the voices of the slugs killed by the Downs syndromed cast of Crispin Glover’s What is It?
5) The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964) Don Knotts plays the titular character, a sad man who loves his pet fish more than his nagging wife. He wishes he could be a fish and magically turns into a cartoon version of one. He then helps fight the Nazis. Based on a true story.

Ok, there is a ton of really weird stuff for kids out there I didn’t touch on. Veggie Tales, Joe Dante’s Small Soldiers, that Spongepanted fellow, Watcher in the Woods, heck anything that’s animated and from Japan. I think kids are new to most everything here on planet earth, they don’t even know how weird some things are. I re-watched the Dark Crystal recently and was fairly surprised at how creepy it was at times. The Skekses (which are basically rotting birds who talk) were pretty freaky to me in my 30’s- eight year old Damon didn’t bat an eyelash. I figure soon I’ll start writing to the FCC every time I hear a fart joke or see some side-boob on T.V.. That’s what old age does to you.

The Attack of the Wooden Octopus

My neighborhood movie theater has a Tuesday special, where movies are $6 and a free popcorn is included. So naturally it is a big hit. Who doesn't like free popcorn? What you save financially though is sometimes sacrificed to a rowdy crowd. Which depending on the movie can, on occasion, be fun. At the piece of crap Grudge remake, when everyone was shouting things at the screen like- "Damn girl, don't go in there, you stupid!" I even got in on the fun by saying, after one character is killed "Awww, she got Grudged!" Tonight friends and I went and saw Cloverfield. What a picture! Best thing I saw this year. All 23 days of it. But the audience didn't seem to love it as much as I did. The two knuckleheads in the row in back of us kept up a running commentary. I figured out they were a few sandwiches short of a picnic when after the trailer for the new Star Trek movie played, they decided it was for the Fantastic Four's latest sequel. When the Cloverfield monster is first glimpsed, they deduced it must be an octopus. And finally when the main characters meet up with the military, one of them asks what the creature is. The army guy says they don't know what it is " but it's winning." "It's wooden?!?" the film scholars behind me cried out! A wooden octopus is attacking Manhattan? Hmmm. As the film started to wind down and the hopes for a happy ending dwindled, the "this sucks" and "I want my money back" started to erupt from all over the theater. This provoked me in to a round of some serious hand clapping, which I usually don't do- no one who made the movie is present so why bother, right? It was the sound of one man clapping. On the ride home we talked about why people didn't like it. We joked about shouting our own things at the screen, like "You call that Mise en scène?" or "That's a jump cut?! It's almost like the French New Wave never happened?" I guess people like to have things explained to them, to see a movie they have more or less seen already. Where a MOVIESTAR saves the day, makes a few quips, beds the girl, and kills the monster. When something comes along that breaks from the norm, that expects you the viewer to fill in some of the blanks, it causes some angry responses. I suppose for some people a wooden octopus isn't that interesting, even if it does come with a free popcorn.

Top 10 Things that Passed through my Digestive track in 2007.

So it's that time of the year, when resolutions are made, gifts are exchanged, and top ten lists are written. I figure I should make a top ten list, but of what? My most memorable donuts of 2007? The 10 strangest things to pass through my digestive system? The funniest things I said all year? It would be way to difficult to come up with just ten items so I am going to go with top ten movies I have seen in 2007. I suppose rules should be in order. Rule number 1) It must be a movie I saw in a theater this year. For example the Host was released this year, but I saw it in 2006 @ the Chicago Film Festival so I can't count that. It's a personal list….make your own damn list if you don't like it. 2) Some times the movie was great, but the experience wasn't. I really liked the movie Once, but some skeezer was kicking my seat to the music. So Once didn't make the list. Ok, I think that is it. Let's start counting, the most fun I had sitting in a theater in 2007….

Go-

10. Hot Fuzz- The Mrs and I saw a free sneak preview of this fine buddy cop movie last spring. The theater was packed with a bunch of douches who refused to move or get their crap of the seat next to them so we ended up sitting in the 3rd row, The neck pain was eventually worth it though when Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright did a Q&A after the movie. We were close enough to smell the booze on their breath. And we learned that The Last Mimsy has a different meaning over in the UK, in that Mimsy is slang for vagina. Plus the movie was pretty darn sweet, what with all the shooting and stabbing and old lady face kicking. And Timothy Dalton, for goodness sake.

9. Control- This we saw at the Chicago International Film Festival (from this point forward to be referred to as CIFF, the internet charges by the letter you know.) Who knew all those Joy Division songs I used to shake my booty to at Neo had such a depressing history? This is probably my favorite music related film since UHF. And yes I saw Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

8. The Darjeeling Limited- Wes Anderson has been labeled a one trick pony, I guess I really like that one trick. Like how the Ramones knew how to write one song, but a really great one. Perhaps Anderson's next movie will star Mr. T and a CGI walrus who travel around the galaxy solving hate crimes. With a soundtrack by Sytem of A Down. Then he can shed his predictable status.

7. Eastern Promises- Sweet Mother of Crap!! The bathhouse fight scene in this movie blew my socks off, through the floor of the theater and deep into the Michigan soil. Greatest single scene in a movie this year. Even the ones I didn't see. Testify!!


6. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium- Just seeing if you were paying attention. Number six is really The Mist. I didn't really expect much from this. I read the short story in middle school, even then it struck me as a Fog rip-off, with weird creatures instead of ghost pirates. But man, I was hooked as soon as the fog rolled in. With minor quibbles with some inter-dimension explanations I enjoyed the whole shebang. And Truman Capote kicked ass.

5. Grindhouse- This was supposed to be a huge event. A three hour movie from Tarantino and Rodriguez. With zombies and car crashes. When I read that there was a late night sneak preview screening the night before it officially opened I bought tickets online. And it was fun. A packed house. A butt load of fun. And then it bombed. That movie where Easy E (or maybe that other guy from NWA, I get those crazy mother fuckers from Compton confused) tries to do home repair and falls off the roof and is sodomized by raccoons (again I didn't see it, I'm basing this on commercials), that piece of shit movie does better than a three hour exploitation movie? With a lady with a machine gun leg? Whatever America, you dumb bastards wouldn't know quality entertainment if it came up and stuck a raccoon up your bottom.

4. This Is England- Ok, this one is a bit of a cheat, in that I didn't see it in a theater, but I did buy a video projector this year. So it was kind of like seeing it on the big screen. It reminded me of this tape I had back in high school/ early college. I had dubbed Suburbia, Romper Stomper, and Surf Nazis Must Die on the same VHS tape. And I watched that tape a lot. Something about gangs of insane angry teenagers really hits home for me. And seeing this made me wonder if there was any room left on that tape for this. I wasn't a huge fan of Dead Man's Shoes, Shane Meadows last movie, but this is a huge step forward. It is a semi-autobiographic coming of age story of a boy being introduced to the skinhead movement in England. It isn't a predictable good vs. evil story. The characters feel real and the story doesn't go where I expected at all.

3. Gone Baby Gone- If you told me one of my favorite movies of the year would be made by Ben Affleck, I'd of said "Sure thing, Mister. Have you been taking your crazy pills or are you flushing them down the can again?" See I have this thing, I call it my Sunday Morning Lecture Series. I get up early; walk up Fullerton Ave to the new Dunkin Donuts. I get a large coffee and 2 glazed donuts. Then I mosey on over to the Western Theater where movies before noon are $6, or if they have been out for 2 weeks or more with my FIVE BUCK CLUB card I can see for $5. And get this….most people are either hung over, eating brunch or in church. So you can sit in a fairly quite theater and enjoy a cheep movie. So that is how I ended up sitting in an empty movie theater sipping my Dunkin Donuts coffee, enjoying the directorial debut of Mr. Affleck. I am starting to realize I am a fan of his brother, Casey. He was the funniest part of Ocean's 13, I really liked the Assassination of Jessie James One Cold November Morning By The Awful, Awful Cowardly Man Know As Robert Evan Stephanie Ford. And then this. Who knew?

2. 30 Days of Night- I really like Steve Niles, the author of the comic book this movie is based on. I will pick up anything I see his name on. That being said, I wasn't that fond of the comic. Vampires in an Alaskan town where there is no sun for a month. No brainer. It writes itself. The graphic novel though- a little boring. And then the movie comes out, starring Josh Hartnet. Oh well. Maybe Saw 4 or 5 or whatever one they're on now will be good. But then you and a couple friends go and damn if it isn't a lean, mean movie. The one overhead shot where the camera moves along the main street as vampires tear the townspeople apart, blood soaking the white snowy street. And the most brutal decapitation I have seen in a mainstream big budget movie. Nothing got chopped off in one stroke in this movie. It was all very messy. And for that I salute you.

1. Zodiac- This was one I was really looking forward to. David Fincher's movies usually come in a pattern. Every other one is great. They are all worth watching, don't get me wrong, but the even numbered ones are the great ones. Seven, Fight Club, now Zodiac. There is a surprising lack of flash to this one. There was a ton of digital manipulation, but it was used so subtly, it was in no way distracting. The feeling of dread that goes through the entire movie is great. The daylight picnic stabbing freaked me out; even the part where the guy who voiced Roger Rabbit took Graysmith in to his basement gave me the heebie jeebies.


So there you go. A1 list of movie all stars. And the worst movie I saw all year? Easy. I see a good amount of crap. The 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie was lousy. Fantastic Four was abysmal. But easily, the shittiest, most God-awful movie I saw this year was Transformers. I had pretty high hopes for this one. I was more of a Go-bot guy myself, but was familiar with the Transformer mythos. So when I started seeing ads for this I was excited. Michael Bay can direct mindless action movies as well anyone out there, and this seemed as mindless as they come. It should have been simple. Robots. Explosions. Why did it turn out so damn childish? Why were there masturbation jokes in a kid's movie? Shia Labouf seems like a decent guy (he got arrested at the Walgreens where I get my snacks for work) but he didn't need to be in this. Here is the plot that should have been. Bad robots land on earth. They blow stuff up. The military tries to blow them up. They fight. Good robots land on earth. They blow up the bad robots. Maybe put in a dance sequence with body builders in Budweiser bikinis and Speedos. Include a cute cat or dog. Have maybe 3 or 4 lines of dialog in the whole movie, lines like "Choke on this, Bolt-breath!' or "Go back to outer space, you rusty son of a bitch." Solid gold. There is no need to have John Turturro walking around with his pants around his ankles. No need. Worst movie of the year by a long shot. As a frame of reference- I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. By comparison it is a work of subtlety and nuanced story telling. That is how garishly bad Transformers was. I need to take a shower to wash the feeling of awfulness off me. Man. Anyway, thanks for listening to this crotchety old man ramble on about how he misspent the year sitting in dark theaters, instead of out playing Frisbee or hacky sack or whatever it is you all do. Have a great 2008!