2009- The Year Wasted in the Dark.

The dreaded year 2009 A.D. has finally come to an end and with it comes the banal year end lists of cinema treasures . There were certainly better years, there were also worse years. There were laughs and tears, farts and Transformers. And a little woman named Precious taught us all how to love again.


Without further ado, here is my list of the good times I had in a movie theater this year.

1.Sin Nombre- A fun train journey through the insane gangs of Mexico gave me more ideas for facial tattoos than any other movie this year.
2. Moon/ District 9/ Star Trek/ Avatar- It was a banner year for sci-fi flicks. From the relatively low budget joys of Moon and District 9 to the not so low budget pageantry of Star Trek and Avatar.
3. House of the Devil/ Trick 'r Treat- Horror movies on the other hand weren't so great. Remakes and sequels (and sequels to remakes) continued to ooze on to the big screen while genuine great movies like these two gems were left to find homes on DVD and Video on Demand after very limited theatrical screenings.
4. Fantastic Mr. Fox/ Coraline- Two sweet movies with two totally different approaches to stop motion animation. Coraline was a highly polished 3-D extravaganza while Mr Fox let it's raggedy hand made roots show through.
5. Treevenge- With out a doubt the absolute best Canadian made killer Christmas tree short film ever made.
6. Worlds Greatest Dad- Bobcat Goldthwait's movie Shakes the Clown was widely considered to be the Citizen Kane of alcoholic clown movies. Surely this must be the Gone with the Wind of auto-erotic asphyxiation movies?
7. Inglourious Basterds- Hitler totally got his ass handed to him! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
8. Antichrist- The Chaos Reigns section of this movie was easily the most joyous moment I had at the movies this year (and the second example of talking foxes on this list. I smell a potential double feature!)
9. G-Force- If this had only had a hard R rating it would be my favorite movie of the decade. Instead they went the easy way and made it for kids. Hey Hollywood, some guinea pig love scenes and ultra violence would be appreciated in the sequel.
10. Hurt Locker- Kathryn Bigelow finally makes a movie to rival her classic Point Break (RIP, Mr Swayze.)


Honorable Mentions: Up, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, I Think We're Alone Now, Big Fan, Zombieland, Observe and Report, Morris County, Public Enemies, Drag Me to Hell

Restaurant Review: Honey Dew Donuts

The Mrs and I recently visited this quaint donut shop in the lovely town of Malden. It is located in a plaza full of fine eateries, rubbing shoulders with Carvel, Dominos, and a cute little Subway sandwich shop. An entire evening of fine dining could be carried out there without ever leaving the plaza. We were there only for breakfast, though. And what an exquisite breakfast it was. I had the Large Iced Coffee, for starters. It arrived in a large plastic cup, the restaurant's logo creatively printed on the side. It was delicious- just the right blend of coffee, cream and 2 sugars. I ordered two types of donut, the Chocolate Honey Glazed and the house special- the Honey Dew! The Chocolate glaze wasn't fantastic. I have had better, I've had worse. But the Honey Dew, oh baby. It was the highlight of the trip. Honey Dew's chef has created a masterpiece of circular dough. Appearing to be a mix between the classic Glazed Donut and an Old Fashioned with what tasted like a hint of pumpkin, this succulent little morsel just tap danced on my taste buds. I can't recommend this delightful bistro enough.

Address: 691 Eastern Ave, Malden MA

Price Range: $$$

Cuisine: American Donut

“Now why would you want to go and do something like that?”

This is the question you are perhaps asking yourself. Why set up a blog about an already well covered area? I know this has been done before. Probably at least five movie related blogs set up this hour. Maybe in Austria. Or Canada. Or right next door to the very place you are currently sitting reading these very words. I can only say that I am doing this for myself. I enjoy writing and don't get a chance to do it much anymore. Seeing as how most of my time is spent either reading about, thinking about, making , or watching movies the choice seemed obvious. If you want to read about my other endeavors (which include sleeping, eating, playing fetch with my cat, chillaxing with the wife, stupid occasional day jobs, watching Jeopardy and bathing) drop me a line. Until then film it is.

Now you might be saying, yeah, but what makes you think you are qualified for this? I don't know. What's with all the questions? You a cop? When I was maybe 12 years old or so my family took a day trip to Block Island. We spent the day riding bikes around the island, stopping for lunch and browsing the stores. Before we left we decided to circle the island before catching the ferry back to the mainland. I was in the front, leading the pack. As we rode I noticed a video store coming up on the left. This was the mid 80's, the heyday of the video store. I could spend hours at the tiny local video shops, staring at all the great box covers, wishing my mom would relent and let me rent just one of the Death Stalker movies. Anyways, I immediately turned and crossed the road. I didn't look over my shoulder, didn't stop to think what I would do at this store. It's not like I could rent a movie there. I was almost run over. If I turned a few seconds later, I'd have been flattened. My folks both shit bricks. Their boneheaded, movie obssesed son blindly swerving into traffic to go to a video store hours from home. This is more or less what I am still doing. I look both ways now, but still eagerly, impractically ride my metaphorical bike in to metaphorical traffic to feed my very real cinemania. Perhaps I will be able to offer some insight. More likely I'll be another douche bag with an opinion and too much time on his hands. But hey it's free, right?

Oh, New England

This year, for the first time in well over ten years, I have had a New England Halloween. My sis and her boyfriend came up from D.C. and together with the Mrs. we headed out to Spooky Town, U.S.A. It is also often referred to as Salem, Massachusetts. We did a bit of Leafing on our way there. What colors! Soon after arriving we stopped and watched as Christians protested everyone's heathen ways. A person wearing an old lady fat suit posed for pictures. She carried a picture of her poor lost dog, a cute little puppy that was wedged between her large butt cheeks. All this was scored by the incongruous Peruvian band playing a few feet away. Goth teenagers shouted at the Christians, and I chatted with a large man dressed as a caveman as I waited to get into the Occult bookstore. Here are some of the pictures I took. They really don't do the place justice.

Feelin’ Alabama

I haven't really had much of a summer. Things have been real hectic for the last five months or so. I went straight from putting together the 2008 International Pancake Film Festival Texas Edition (go Spurs!), to the insanity of the Jeff Koons show at work. Then there was a little wedding I helped plan. Then packing up all my precious belongings and moving half way across country. It didn't help that our landlords decided to tear down our porch in Chicago right as the weather was getting nice and then hire the slowest moving deck builders available.

It's only now that the dust has finally started to settle in my life. I read an entire book (Child 44, highly recommended) went to an antique show (seeing as how I own about 4,000 pounds of crap I only bought a few view master reels.) Oh, I went swimming a few times this season. Barbequed a little. It still feels like summer skipped over me this year. More time was spent indoors packing, later unpacking, than outdoors skipping stones and flying kites and whatnot. One of the nice things about our new place, in addition to all the legal spray paint money can buy (in your face, Mayor Daley!) is the free cable that we have now. I have watched a Shirley Temple marathon, some Adult Swim. There is some fascinating public access shows available (provided by Somerville Community Access Television or SCAT for short, teehee.) I decided I want a Sweet 16 party for my birthday this year after watching a very insightful documentary on the subject on MTV. It was yesterday though that summer finally entered my life. I was flipping through the channels when I came across a Kid Rock video on VH1. I am fairly ill-informed on Mr. Rock's career. I know he's from Michigan, performed with a small man named Joe C. who later died, and married Pam Anderson. That's a bout it. I don't know if it was the fact that I hadn't seen a music video in a coon's age or if this was actually good, but I fell head over heels for this video for his white hot song All Summer Long. Allow me to set the scene for you- the music starts, it's a mash up of Warren Zevon's Werewolves of London mixed with Sweet Home Alabama. Kid Rock narrates this tale of lost summer love while tooling around a lake in his boat "Cowboy." His full band later joins him on a huge elevated stage with flashing lights. He tells a tale set back in Northern Michigan during the summer of1989, of his days spent getting high and drunk on whiskey and fornicating to "Sweet Home Alabama." Meanwhile girls in bikinis dance around and an actor playing a young Kid Rock fraternizes with a young Pam Anderson look-alike. I have no idea why a lady in a confederate flag bikini is so intriguing to me, but it is. I asked the Mrs. if she'd wear a Confederate Flag bikini the next time we hit the beach and she flat out refused. I then asked if she'd wear a Budweiser bikini. Again- no. I guess the bikini is a much more palatable format to me. Racism and Bud are two things I don't tolerate in real life, but in bikini form….that's a whole other story. So I played the video for the Mrs., hoping she'd see how cool Confederate Flag bikinis are. I couldn't make the sell. She was also not fond of the fact that the song rhymes "things' with "things." They do rhyme though, you got to admit that. Admittedly it's not my favorite part of the song-that comes toward the end. Let me quote it in its entirety:

'Now nothing seems as strange as when the leaves began to change
Or how we thought those days would never end
Sometimes I'll hear that song and I'll start to sing along
And think man I'd love to see that girl again'

I would put that up against any prose you'd take from Ray Bradbury's love letter to summer, Dandelion Wine. And it's nice to know that I have an official summer jam for the 3 remaining weeks of summer. I am also fully aware that if through some miracle Kid Rock and I were to meet on a Michigan beach back in the summer of '89, he would have made fun of me and or beaten the crap out of me. But that's not the point; it's the music, man. The music. And to a lesser extent the Confederate Flag bikinis.

Oh boy! An awards show! Hosted by me!!!

It's now 100% summer time. That means one thing and one thing only. Summer movies!!! That also means the arduous task of figuring out our choice for The Hambone Industries Summer Movie of the Summer Award. To refresh your memory, the award goes to the most anticipated movie to be released this summer. Sequels, spin-offs, adaptations, these are all usually ignored. We do not recognize Summer movies released in March. It is the out of left field type of picture we celebrate here. And it's by looking through the lists of all the quality films being released unto our theaters this season that we have chosen one film. One shining example on to which we pin all our hopes and dreams, all of our expectations of excellence in a summer movie. There were a number that looked promising. The new Batman picture looks real good. Hell Ride sounds interesting. Transsiberian. Wall•E. Hellboy 2. I'll be going to see all of them, don't you worry. But it is the comedies that are looking the most promising. Tropic Thunder, Hamlet 2, Step Brothers. I have laughed out loud every time I've seen the Step Brothers trailer. I am a bit on the fence about Will Ferrell, but John C. Reilly is one of the funniest mother scratchers around. Bunk beds? Ha! Night vision goggles? Ha, ha! Tuxes at a job interview? Hahahaha. Anyways, it is with this in mind that I cast my ballot for The Summer Movie of the Summer Award. Ladies and germs, the award goes to….let me just open this darn envelope, ….Pineapple Express! Man does this one look good. In one corner you have art house darling David Gordon Green, director of such decidedly non-big budget stoner comedies as George Washington, All the Real Girls and Snow Angels. In the other corner are Judd Apatow and Seth Rogen, makers of such lowbrow stoner comedies as Knocked Up and Superbad. They have teamed up to tell the tale of two marijuana aficionados who are on the run from some gangsters. It looks pretty sweet, so that's it, that's my pick. In this election year of 2008, I am voting with my funny bone. Go eat farts if you don't like it.