The Attack of the Wooden Octopus

My neighborhood movie theater has a Tuesday special, where movies are $6 and a free popcorn is included. So naturally it is a big hit. Who doesn't like free popcorn? What you save financially though is sometimes sacrificed to a rowdy crowd. Which depending on the movie can, on occasion, be fun. At the piece of crap Grudge remake, when everyone was shouting things at the screen like- "Damn girl, don't go in there, you stupid!" I even got in on the fun by saying, after one character is killed "Awww, she got Grudged!" Tonight friends and I went and saw Cloverfield. What a picture! Best thing I saw this year. All 23 days of it. But the audience didn't seem to love it as much as I did. The two knuckleheads in the row in back of us kept up a running commentary. I figured out they were a few sandwiches short of a picnic when after the trailer for the new Star Trek movie played, they decided it was for the Fantastic Four's latest sequel. When the Cloverfield monster is first glimpsed, they deduced it must be an octopus. And finally when the main characters meet up with the military, one of them asks what the creature is. The army guy says they don't know what it is " but it's winning." "It's wooden?!?" the film scholars behind me cried out! A wooden octopus is attacking Manhattan? Hmmm. As the film started to wind down and the hopes for a happy ending dwindled, the "this sucks" and "I want my money back" started to erupt from all over the theater. This provoked me in to a round of some serious hand clapping, which I usually don't do- no one who made the movie is present so why bother, right? It was the sound of one man clapping. On the ride home we talked about why people didn't like it. We joked about shouting our own things at the screen, like "You call that Mise en scène?" or "That's a jump cut?! It's almost like the French New Wave never happened?" I guess people like to have things explained to them, to see a movie they have more or less seen already. Where a MOVIESTAR saves the day, makes a few quips, beds the girl, and kills the monster. When something comes along that breaks from the norm, that expects you the viewer to fill in some of the blanks, it causes some angry responses. I suppose for some people a wooden octopus isn't that interesting, even if it does come with a free popcorn.

Top 10 Things that Passed through my Digestive track in 2007.

So it's that time of the year, when resolutions are made, gifts are exchanged, and top ten lists are written. I figure I should make a top ten list, but of what? My most memorable donuts of 2007? The 10 strangest things to pass through my digestive system? The funniest things I said all year? It would be way to difficult to come up with just ten items so I am going to go with top ten movies I have seen in 2007. I suppose rules should be in order. Rule number 1) It must be a movie I saw in a theater this year. For example the Host was released this year, but I saw it in 2006 @ the Chicago Film Festival so I can't count that. It's a personal list….make your own damn list if you don't like it. 2) Some times the movie was great, but the experience wasn't. I really liked the movie Once, but some skeezer was kicking my seat to the music. So Once didn't make the list. Ok, I think that is it. Let's start counting, the most fun I had sitting in a theater in 2007….

Go-

10. Hot Fuzz- The Mrs and I saw a free sneak preview of this fine buddy cop movie last spring. The theater was packed with a bunch of douches who refused to move or get their crap of the seat next to them so we ended up sitting in the 3rd row, The neck pain was eventually worth it though when Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and Edgar Wright did a Q&A after the movie. We were close enough to smell the booze on their breath. And we learned that The Last Mimsy has a different meaning over in the UK, in that Mimsy is slang for vagina. Plus the movie was pretty darn sweet, what with all the shooting and stabbing and old lady face kicking. And Timothy Dalton, for goodness sake.

9. Control- This we saw at the Chicago International Film Festival (from this point forward to be referred to as CIFF, the internet charges by the letter you know.) Who knew all those Joy Division songs I used to shake my booty to at Neo had such a depressing history? This is probably my favorite music related film since UHF. And yes I saw Tenacious D and the Pick of Destiny.

8. The Darjeeling Limited- Wes Anderson has been labeled a one trick pony, I guess I really like that one trick. Like how the Ramones knew how to write one song, but a really great one. Perhaps Anderson's next movie will star Mr. T and a CGI walrus who travel around the galaxy solving hate crimes. With a soundtrack by Sytem of A Down. Then he can shed his predictable status.

7. Eastern Promises- Sweet Mother of Crap!! The bathhouse fight scene in this movie blew my socks off, through the floor of the theater and deep into the Michigan soil. Greatest single scene in a movie this year. Even the ones I didn't see. Testify!!


6. Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium- Just seeing if you were paying attention. Number six is really The Mist. I didn't really expect much from this. I read the short story in middle school, even then it struck me as a Fog rip-off, with weird creatures instead of ghost pirates. But man, I was hooked as soon as the fog rolled in. With minor quibbles with some inter-dimension explanations I enjoyed the whole shebang. And Truman Capote kicked ass.

5. Grindhouse- This was supposed to be a huge event. A three hour movie from Tarantino and Rodriguez. With zombies and car crashes. When I read that there was a late night sneak preview screening the night before it officially opened I bought tickets online. And it was fun. A packed house. A butt load of fun. And then it bombed. That movie where Easy E (or maybe that other guy from NWA, I get those crazy mother fuckers from Compton confused) tries to do home repair and falls off the roof and is sodomized by raccoons (again I didn't see it, I'm basing this on commercials), that piece of shit movie does better than a three hour exploitation movie? With a lady with a machine gun leg? Whatever America, you dumb bastards wouldn't know quality entertainment if it came up and stuck a raccoon up your bottom.

4. This Is England- Ok, this one is a bit of a cheat, in that I didn't see it in a theater, but I did buy a video projector this year. So it was kind of like seeing it on the big screen. It reminded me of this tape I had back in high school/ early college. I had dubbed Suburbia, Romper Stomper, and Surf Nazis Must Die on the same VHS tape. And I watched that tape a lot. Something about gangs of insane angry teenagers really hits home for me. And seeing this made me wonder if there was any room left on that tape for this. I wasn't a huge fan of Dead Man's Shoes, Shane Meadows last movie, but this is a huge step forward. It is a semi-autobiographic coming of age story of a boy being introduced to the skinhead movement in England. It isn't a predictable good vs. evil story. The characters feel real and the story doesn't go where I expected at all.

3. Gone Baby Gone- If you told me one of my favorite movies of the year would be made by Ben Affleck, I'd of said "Sure thing, Mister. Have you been taking your crazy pills or are you flushing them down the can again?" See I have this thing, I call it my Sunday Morning Lecture Series. I get up early; walk up Fullerton Ave to the new Dunkin Donuts. I get a large coffee and 2 glazed donuts. Then I mosey on over to the Western Theater where movies before noon are $6, or if they have been out for 2 weeks or more with my FIVE BUCK CLUB card I can see for $5. And get this….most people are either hung over, eating brunch or in church. So you can sit in a fairly quite theater and enjoy a cheep movie. So that is how I ended up sitting in an empty movie theater sipping my Dunkin Donuts coffee, enjoying the directorial debut of Mr. Affleck. I am starting to realize I am a fan of his brother, Casey. He was the funniest part of Ocean's 13, I really liked the Assassination of Jessie James One Cold November Morning By The Awful, Awful Cowardly Man Know As Robert Evan Stephanie Ford. And then this. Who knew?

2. 30 Days of Night- I really like Steve Niles, the author of the comic book this movie is based on. I will pick up anything I see his name on. That being said, I wasn't that fond of the comic. Vampires in an Alaskan town where there is no sun for a month. No brainer. It writes itself. The graphic novel though- a little boring. And then the movie comes out, starring Josh Hartnet. Oh well. Maybe Saw 4 or 5 or whatever one they're on now will be good. But then you and a couple friends go and damn if it isn't a lean, mean movie. The one overhead shot where the camera moves along the main street as vampires tear the townspeople apart, blood soaking the white snowy street. And the most brutal decapitation I have seen in a mainstream big budget movie. Nothing got chopped off in one stroke in this movie. It was all very messy. And for that I salute you.

1. Zodiac- This was one I was really looking forward to. David Fincher's movies usually come in a pattern. Every other one is great. They are all worth watching, don't get me wrong, but the even numbered ones are the great ones. Seven, Fight Club, now Zodiac. There is a surprising lack of flash to this one. There was a ton of digital manipulation, but it was used so subtly, it was in no way distracting. The feeling of dread that goes through the entire movie is great. The daylight picnic stabbing freaked me out; even the part where the guy who voiced Roger Rabbit took Graysmith in to his basement gave me the heebie jeebies.


So there you go. A1 list of movie all stars. And the worst movie I saw all year? Easy. I see a good amount of crap. The 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie was lousy. Fantastic Four was abysmal. But easily, the shittiest, most God-awful movie I saw this year was Transformers. I had pretty high hopes for this one. I was more of a Go-bot guy myself, but was familiar with the Transformer mythos. So when I started seeing ads for this I was excited. Michael Bay can direct mindless action movies as well anyone out there, and this seemed as mindless as they come. It should have been simple. Robots. Explosions. Why did it turn out so damn childish? Why were there masturbation jokes in a kid's movie? Shia Labouf seems like a decent guy (he got arrested at the Walgreens where I get my snacks for work) but he didn't need to be in this. Here is the plot that should have been. Bad robots land on earth. They blow stuff up. The military tries to blow them up. They fight. Good robots land on earth. They blow up the bad robots. Maybe put in a dance sequence with body builders in Budweiser bikinis and Speedos. Include a cute cat or dog. Have maybe 3 or 4 lines of dialog in the whole movie, lines like "Choke on this, Bolt-breath!' or "Go back to outer space, you rusty son of a bitch." Solid gold. There is no need to have John Turturro walking around with his pants around his ankles. No need. Worst movie of the year by a long shot. As a frame of reference- I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks. By comparison it is a work of subtlety and nuanced story telling. That is how garishly bad Transformers was. I need to take a shower to wash the feeling of awfulness off me. Man. Anyway, thanks for listening to this crotchety old man ramble on about how he misspent the year sitting in dark theaters, instead of out playing Frisbee or hacky sack or whatever it is you all do. Have a great 2008!